Acceptance without Judgment

In my “Am I Hungry?” session last week, I talked to my participants about the importance of noticing what they’re thinking or feeling without judging themselves for it. 

“That’s hard - not judging,” one of them commented.

“It is,” I agreed, remembering some of my own struggles.

It wasn’t until later that I wondered why this is. Why are we that quick to judge ourselves? And why are we inclined to be harsh?

One reason is that we often feel isolated in our experiences. Most of the time, no matter what’s going on in our lives, we put on a brave face for others, not wanting them to see our pain, our mistakes, our broken humanness. Instead we smile and exchange banalities, yet we rarely stop to think that perhaps other people’s smiles are also a mask, hiding their own insecurity and pain. We simply believe in the facade, think that their lives are shiny and perfect, while ours are not.

I felt this deeply when I was younger. I never heard anyone else talk about sneaking food, or feeling unable to resist candy, or the actual experience of being overweight. I considered myself a pariah because of that, an abnormal freak who could relate only to characters in fantasy novels. It was a revelation when I read one story where a woman used baby powder to help the problem of her heavy thighs chafing when she walked - it was my first inclination that others might share at least some of my experience. 

But without that understanding, when we perceive that everyone else is doing well, we think something must be wrong with us. It is therefore easy to treat ourselves badly, to feel guilty and ashamed. 

The reality, though, is that we are not alone. While no one can experience exactly what we have, we each have our own pain, burdens that we hide, times when we are irritable and worry about our lives. This is what Elizabeth Lesser calls the “Open Secret”. She writes in her book Broken Open (p. 25), “It’s almost as if we are embarrassed by our most human traits.”

But according to Rumi: “The moment you accept what troubles you’ve been given, the door will open.”

Acceptance means letting go of the guilt, enjoyable though it can sometimes be to wallow in misery. It means that we instead learn how to move forward in a more effective way.

It isn’t easy, but if you find yourself in that place of judgment, it may help to remember that it is an Open Secret - that others are in the same place even if for different reasons. If you can let go of the guilt and shame, and simply accept what you’re feeling, you may find the world opening to you, and you can move forward with a lighter heart and easy spirit.

Girl Scout Cookie Time

I have a confession - I like Girl Scout cookies. Part of it is nostalgia, from my own days in Brownies and Girl Scouts, nervous and excited as I went door to door, hoping to sell a certain amount to get a prize. Most people were very nice about it, and usually ordered at least one box. After all, who wants to refuse a cute little girl with pigtails and a hopeful smile? I want to offer the same support to my cousins who’ve sold through the years, and the adorable young daughters of co-workers (even if they don’t come to my door). 

And the cookies taste good. While I’m still a bit annoyed about the newer names (Peanut Butter Patties - really?), I still like the taste. Yes, I know they’re processed foods. Yes, I know they have lots of sugar and some have high fructose corn syrup. I also know that you can make healthier versions of some of them, such as this recipe for All-Natural Thin Mints that I want to try. 

For some people, these are reasons not to buy the cookies, and I can understand that. What I have a harder time with is the recent suggestion that we should all boycott buying Girl Scout cookies. Why? Not because of the cookies themselves, but because Girl Scouts accepted a transgendered child into a troop.

This bothers me because those proposing it are using food to deliberately hurt people who were inclusive and caring. 

Food, in my mind, is not something that should ever be used as a weapon or to wound. Rather, it should be used to nourish, nurture, and heal us. 

But more than that, my concern is the impact on what IIN considers primary foods, among them relationships. If we use our energy - the energy we get from food - to foster fear and exclusion, that can shape the way we interact with the rest of the world and each other. With all the anger and hurt and sorrow already present, I do not want to be the sort of person who adds more.

My choice is therefore to continue ordering a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies every year, knowing that as the only packaged cookies I buy, the health implications are minimal. When I get them, I plan to enjoy eating them, both for taste and nostalgia. And for each cookie, I will pause a moment to think with gratitude of those who bring love and acceptance to world, and hope that others will follow that path.

Life Without Twinkies

In case you somehow missed the news this week - Hostess has filed for bankruptcy! For some, this is cause for panic and consternation.  Is it possible to live without Twinkies? Others are likely cheering, since this seems to indicate that Americans are moving towards healthier snack options.

You can find news and blog posts about almost every angle:

-  MSNBC had a segment on it

-  One article suggests we binge on eating Twinkies to keep the company afloat

-  One group even created a YouTube video about the Life and Times of Twinkies

I have to confess that I don’t fully understand this, being out of the loop on Twinkies. We never had those sorts of snack foods in my house growing up; my dad baked plenty of goodies, and my mom couldn’t handle the corn syrup. While I did often eat packaged sweets at a friend’s house, they tended towards Little Debbie varieties, not Hostess. I’m sure I had a Twinkie now and again, but I honestly can’t remember the flavor. My only real memory of Twinkies is from the movie Ghostbusters, when Egon uses one as a reference for talking about the level of supernatural activity in New York.

Does this mean that I should rush out and buy some now? Do I need to have that experience, to understand the nostalgia of some people when they eat a Twinkie? Do I want to make sure they’re available to future generations? Would I want to get the sugar high?

After some consideration, I don’t think I need to go that route. For one, all the sites indicate that production of Twinkies will continue, whatever happens with the management. Two, Twinkies seem to last forever, as the Life and Times video indicates. (Note: I haven’t tested the truth of this belief, so it’s possible they do actually go bad.)

But the main reason is that I simply no longer feel the need for Twinkies or any other product like it. While I can empathize to some extent, remembering the power Nutty Bars used to have over me, I don’t crave that sweet sugar rush anymore. In fact, I suspect that eating any of those foods now would make me feel slightly ill.

While this might disappoint Hostess, I will continue my life without Twinkies. But for those who love them, I hope that you can still have them – but I also hope that other things make your life worthwhile, things that don’t come wrapped in plastic.

Motivated to Move

My brother hates going to the gym this time of year. Apparently it’s inundated with people who’ve resolved to get in shape, which would be fine if a) they took the time to know how to use the equipment, and b) if they were actually going to continue. But most of them don’t last beyond the end of the month.

Those who make such resolutions likely do so with the best of intentions. After all, the benefits of exercise are hardly a secret. It boosts your energy, improves your mood, activates your metabolism, helps prevent injury and osteoporosis, improves sleep, and more. Yet somehow knowing that doesn’t always make it any easier to be motivated.

If you find that you fall into this category, here are some suggestions from my own experience.

1. Find an activity that you really enjoy. If you don’t like it, odds are you won’t continue. You want something that leaves you feeling energized, clear-headed, and ready to truly live.
2. Remember that those activities don’t have to be at the gym. Dance, sports, chasing your child in play, climbing, walking, yoga, stretching – all can be done without a gym membership.
3. Pick a time of day that works for you. Personally, by the time I get home, the last thing I usually want to do is exercise, so I do it in the morning. But my brother (and others) prefer afternoon or evening. The key is finding what works for you and your lifestyle.
4. Think positively. Although we may all know the health benefits of exercise, we may not consciously think of them, and remembering how you feel post-exercise can help get you moving.
5. Consider your terminology. If you find the word “hate” is synonymous with “exercise” in your mind, you might want to think of it as activity or movement.
6. Start small. Do just 10-15 minutes to start – that may be enough for you to notice your energy picking up, and to remember that you do enjoy it (see #1). 

As an example, I love to go for morning walks, but this time of year, when it’s cold and dark early, I may hesitate. Then I remember why I like them – peace, calm, having time to think through things or maybe not think at all, catching some gorgeous sunrises, feeling focused and energized to start my day.

That’s enough to get me out the door, even if that means donning multiple layers. (Note that I don’t go out if it’s sleeting or really icy – safety comes first.) And once I’m out, I revel in it. I may even come back inspired, a poem brimming or ready to tackle some long-ignored project.

I hope that you, too, can find what moves you to move, and that you can do it for more than just these few early weeks of the new year. 

Resolve to be Fat?

[Note: The opinions expressed here are mine alone and do not reflect any official stance of the “Am I Hungry?” program.]

This is the time for resolutions, many of which involve weight. But generally they’re about losing weight. I wonder how many people resolve to be fat? More specifically, I wonder how many people might make that their new goal after reading the recent article in The New York Times titled “The Fat Trap” by Tara Parker-Pope.

The article does not, after all, paint a very hopeful portrait of life post weight loss. It discusses at great length the physiological changes that make the body primed to gain weight back, and how painstaking it is to maintain those lost pounds. 

What surprised and saddened me was that none of the people interviewed talked about achieving their goals without doing things like keeping a daily food journal, tracking calories, eating the same thing almost every day, weighing and measuring food, exercising rigidly for the sole purpose of weight maintenance, or calculating metabolic rate. I realized that those reading the article might think those are their only options: to resolve to be fat, or to lose weight and look forward to a life of deprivation and constant control.

Had I believed that when I first started my journey, I might well have decided not to make the attempt. And for some people, that might be fine, because as the article also points out, it’s possible to be healthy and overweight. While it’s not necessarily socially acceptable, I don’t consider that an automatic reason to lose weight.

I always think of my dad as an example of someone who falls into this category. He’s fat and freely enjoys his food, much of which would not be allowed on a typical diet. He also has good blood pressure, good cholesterol, a healthy heart, normal blood sugar levels, can walk for at least two miles without a problem, and is able to do everything he needs or wants to do. While he is careful not to gain more weight, he is generally unconcerned with what other people think of him and therefore does not currently have any motivation to slim down.

But for me, when I realized that I physically could not do some of the things I wanted, that was what prompted me to finally lose weight. In the interest of full disclosure, I will say that at various points I did count calories, and while I was losing weight I often ate the same foods simply because it was easier. Yet in my nine years of maintaining, I have joyfully experimented with new recipes, never deprived myself of something I truly wanted, been able to get through my days without constantly thinking about food, and successfully kept my weight consistent without weighing myself every day, including two-week trips for work or vacation. How? By listening to my body.

Nor am I alone in this. The “Am I Hungry?” approach is the same one I used, and as the website shows, it’s had many success stories. So another alternative is possible.

Perhaps, then, if you’re thinking of a resolution about weight, you might consider instead to resolve how you want to live. For myself, that would be leading a full, rich, rewarding life, free of guilt and shame and deprivation in thoughts towards food, enjoying what I eat and what I can do, and making progress toward goals I can’t yet achieve. 

Whatever your own resolution, I sincerely hope that it will make for a very happy New Year.