Conference Food Part 2

My company hosts a conference called the Summit every 12-18 months. This past week we were in Miami for the second year in a row, in what was my eleventh such event. As I went through the week, I found myself thinking about how much my eating habits at these conferences has changed.

I wrote about my struggles at the first one in 1999:
The food, of course, was [difficult because we had] defined meal times and a set menu that didn’t necessarily correspond to the times or foods with which I was accustomed. Breakfast was the biggest problem. It wasn’t served until 8 or 8:30, far too late for me. Lunch was then at 12 or 12:30, with an afternoon snack at 2:30 or 3, and dinner usually at 7 or 7:30. I felt like I needed to eat as much as I could when the opportunity presented itself, since I didn’t decide when I was eating again. Plus, it was free! All-you-can-eat buffets, three meals a day, are not particularly helpful to the weight-challenged.

It also didn’t help that, since I had only been with [my company] for three months, I didn’t know anyone very well, either co-workers or clients, [and the art of small talk]… was bewildering and intimidating to me. It wasn’t something I felt a strong desire to learn, either; …I wasn’t interested in drawing attention to myself. Eating at least gave me something to do, and I clung to the walls, plate held defensively in front of me like a shield. I also sometimes had the problem of not eating enough at one meal, trying to retain at least a scrap of self-control, only to find myself starving by the next meal and falling on the food with a rapacity that disturbed even me.

Given that, and the amount and type of food provided (refer to last year’s entry), the first five or six Summits I pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I was going to gain about five pounds during the week. Then I realized that I was sabotaging myself by going in with that mindset. After all, we often live up to our expectations, and by thinking that it was inevitable for me to gain weight, I essentially gave myself permission to eat more than I needed.

So a few years ago, I decided not to do that anymore. Now that I have more experience, I have too much to do at the conferences to feel sluggish or sick from overeating, or from eating foods that don’t agree with me. As a result, this year, as in the past few years, I’ve returned home the same weight as when I left.

How do I do it, you may ask? Partly it’s about being prepared, so it was appropriate that my “Am I Hungry?” class last week was all about helping to decide what to eat when you are hungry, based on what you want, need, and have. The trick, therefore, is to make sure that I have foods that I want to eat on-hand, ready for when I’m hungry, instead of relying on only when and what conference foods were available. This meant bringing my own breakfast (Luna bars, dried salami, and apples), as well as plenty of snacks (trail mix, peanuts, dried fruit, carrots, snap peas, and dark chocolate).

I also let myself be a food snob. While the buffet table may be laden with options, I examine and sample it all with a choosy eye. I don’t feel compelled to try everything, instead focusing on just the dishes that seem particularly outstanding, or isn’t something I often get at home. For instance, I chose lamb one day, lime-marinated shrimp another, and blackened Mahi-Mahi a third, instead of chicken.

Finally, I reminded myself that my goal was to feel good after eating. This let me take small servings, see how I felt afterward, and go back for a little more if I chose.

The end result was that I got through the conference not just without weight gain, but with consistent energy, able to focus on the questions and demands at hand, and feeling pretty good. (Apart from the general and pervasive tiredness that comes from being “on” so much.) I judged my snacks perfectly, finishing the last of them on the flight home, and all told I feel that I successfully determined when, what and how much to eat. Even after all this time, that feels like a great accomplishment.

"I'm Not Going to Eat Chocolate"

This week has been pretty crazy at work, with a lot of us frantically preparing for a conference we’re hosting next week. Especially disturbing and annoying was dealing with some last-minute problems with our software, trying to figure out why something didn’t work when it had just ten minutes before.

When I was helping a co-worker trouble-shoot one of these issues, without much success, she sent me an e-mail that read, “I love my job…. I love my job…. I’m not going to eat chocolate.”

I laughed, but it also gave me pause. Although in some ways it was a non-sequitur, I knew exactly what she meant. And that says volumes about our society.

How telling is it, after all, that someone who’s stressed would immediately turn to thoughts of chocolate (or other comfort food of choice) as a way to unwind a little, or as a reward or treat for getting through a tough day? I doubt it’s always been that way, or at least that prevalent. But now, this is so much the norm that it takes effort, sometimes, to even notice we’re doing it.

The “Am I Hungry?” program addresses this, trying to help snap people out of making that automatic association. If we’re stressed, why don’t we consider a stretch break, or just looking at a pleasant scene and breathing deeply, or perhaps going for a short walk? After all, in those situations we do deserve a break, but it doesn’t have to the type of break suggested by Kit-Kat ads. (Remember those? “Give me a break, give me a break, break me off a piece of that Kit-Kat bar….”)

What was particularly noteworthy was realizing that I can’t quite remember the last time my reaction to stress was to reach for chocolate. These days, I try to get out for walks (weather permitting), read a book for a few minutes, write about what’s stressful, or stretch. On the other hand. I clearly remember when turning to food was what I always did.

I like it better now. For one, my new methods are often more effective ways to relax than eating. Even better, it means that when I do eat chocolate, I can focus on enjoying it, and not be distracted by whatever stressful things are going on around me.

FEASTing

Do you know why you eat when you do, and why a particular food? Do you think you have reasons other than convenience, availability, boredom, habit, being social, etc? Do you wish you knew what those reasons were, so you could handle them in some other, more effective way, but you don’t know how?

It can be very hard to find the answers to those questions. Our society doesn’t encourage us to make the time and space to be that self-aware. But not allowing time for it means that we may remain trapped in old patterns and might never be able to get past them.

Luckily for me, self-reflection has rarely been a problem – sometimes the opposite. But in terms of losing weight, this has proven invaluable. For instance, in November 2000, I wrote the following in my journal:

…I’ve actually begun losing weight, slowly but steadily, and I’m beginning to feel differences in my body. And then a couple of days ago, it suddenly scared me. If I go through with this, which I have every intention of doing, I will at some point have to deal with the fact that I will be attractive. That shouldn’t be a scary thought, and yet somehow it is. Because in that case, if someone rejects me, I won’t be able to have the comfortable, superior thought that it’s because of my weight – it would be because of me.

It was only then that I realized that part of the reason why I remained heavy for as long as I did was because it was a convenient excuse. As an adolescent, I dealt a lot with people being mean to me, or deciding they didn’t want to be my friend anymore, or only deigning to speak to me if they needed help on their homework. I convinced myself that I didn’t care what they thought of me, that it was simply that they couldn’t get past my weight. But what would happen if I didn’t have that rationalization anymore? How would I deal with it?

This is one of the things I appreciate most about the Am I Hungry? program, that Dr. May specifically provides a strategy called FEAST. It stands for Focus, Explore, Accept, Strategize, and Take Action. The idea is that when you realize that you’re eating for some reason other than hunger, you’ll go through these steps to understand why and come up with a more effective way of dealing with whatever the issue is than turning to food.

To me, this is key. If I hadn’t identified that this was part of my rationale for eating, I would almost certainly still be triggered to eat by having a difficult conversation with someone, or any type of confrontation. I could also have chosen not to accept it, to give in to that sense of fear and let it keep me where I was. Instead, I was able to acknowledge that truth, and take action by continuing what I was doing. I also paid attention to my interactions with people, and how those changed as I lost weight.

I would therefore encourage anyone who is trying to make a change in their life, around eating or anything else that might be difficult, to FEAST. I hope that it helps you as it helped me.

Stuck on "Should"

I’ve been having fun watching Six Feet Under (courtesy of Netflix), and a recent episode contained a brief discussion about food that caught my attention. Rico asked his wife what was for dinner, and she said she couldn’t decide.

“We’ll just have some beans and rice,” he suggested.

“The kids had rice with lunch.” She said it almost hopelessly, the implication being that the kids shouldn’t have rice twice in a day, even if it would be easy.

Rico reminded her gently, “That’s okay, it’s just one day.”

It struck me because it was so emblematic of how we can drive ourselves crazy with food choices. We have all these ideas about what we “should” be doing. And even if we’re not on a particular diet, or don’t think of ourselves as the sort of people who follow fads, it’s practically impossible to get away from these ever-changing and ever-growing rules.

Don’t eat too many carbohydrates, and try to make the ones you eat whole grains or fruit. Don’t eat the same food within a twenty-four period. Try not to have the same thing for a given meal every day. Avoid processed foods. Get enough fat, but only the “good” fat, and not too much. Have the right mix of protein, fat, and carbohydrates every time you eat.

It goes on and on, making us feel like we’re not in charge, that we can’t be the ones to actually make a choice about what we’re eating. We have to weigh all of this external information and somehow find a way to walk that path.

The problem, of course, is that this makes food a subject of stress and worry and preoccupation, as well as a source of guilt if we make the “wrong” choice. Yes, it’s good to maintain balance, variety and moderation in what we eat, but with the reminder that we’re only human. We’re not perfect, and we’re never going to be perfect. If we occasionally eat something that may not be ideal, that’s okay.

That’s why I loved Rico’s response: “It’s just one day.” One day of the kids having rice for two meals won’t hurt them (particularly since that’s the norm for some countries, and the kids there haven’t collapsed or become invalids).

What I try to remember is that when I eat what I love, and eat when I’m hungry, I naturally gravitate towards balance, variety, and moderation in my food. Even better, it’s my choice what to eat, not what someone else says. It allows me to eat without feeling paralyzed by this sense of “should”, and without that nagging guilt if I deviate from the list. And what a wonderful feeling that is.

Self-Talk

Have you ever noticed how easy it is to be critical of yourself? Especially in relation to weight and exercise? We have all these ideas about what we’re “supposed” to do and how we “should” be. Never mind that whoever defines these rules doesn’t know us or anything about our lives – we still feel we need to live up to them.

I don’t know about you, but personally I find it very hard to stay motivated based on someone else’s goals for me. I feel judged, and often angry, frustrated, guilty, or rebellious when that external authority decides I don’t live up to the expectations. It actually de-motivates me; if I’m not going to be good enough no matter what I do, why bother trying?

Perhaps this is why those of us in my most recent “Am I Hungry?” workshop have or have had negative feelings about exercise, the word “hate” slipping out more than once.

Yet we all agreed that we felt better after exercising: more energized, relaxed, focused, and cheerful. Still, somehow that doesn’t make it any easier to do. It takes time, after all, when our lives are already sometimes almost frantic. It’s also hard to do, and can be uncomfortable, especially at the beginning, when your body isn’t used to it. How much more difficult, then, if you’re doing it to fulfill someone else’s aspirations?

Imagine this. Don’t tell yourself that you will exercise because you read an article saying you should work out x times per week, or because you want to get down to the weight you’re “supposed” to be. Instead, say, “I want to exercise because it makes me feel good. I like the person I am when I take care of myself.”

Or perhaps, like a woman in my class, you may avoid the word “exercise” and tell yourself, “I love moving.”

Set goals for yourself, but let them be your goals, that are realistic for you. Tell yourself, “I am worth making myself and my health a priority.”

You may find that everything shifts. You may no longer view exercise as something painful or bad or a means to an end, instead loving it because it is part of your self-care, acknowledging that you deserve to feel good. You may find that you are happier, treating yourself with the appreciation and compassion you show to others that you love. Just remind yourself you’re worth that – because you are.