Harvest on the Harbor

As mentioned earlier, last Saturday I went to the Marketplace for the Harvest on the Harbor festival held on the Portland waterfront. This was an event that gathered food, beer, and wine vendors, representatives from restaurants, chefs and local foodies. The Marketplace had booths from all sorts of different vendors, as well as some cooking demonstrations and talks. I had a great time at it, despite the crowds of people (somewhere over 2,500), and of course it got me thinking about food and weight, for obvious reasons as well as some not so obvious.

The obvious, of course, was the sheer amount of food. I had decided in advance to give myself permission to sample whatever appealed to me there, without worrying quite so much about if I should be eating it or not. As a result, my friend Sarah and I tried quite a lot. We unwittingly started with the desserts, although we didn’t mind too much. We had everything from specialty chocolates and brownies and whoopie pies, to wonderfully rich and creamy gelato, to caramel flan shooters. We still had room for some snacks and savory dishes: a variety of spreads, soups, chowders, sandwiches, jams, jellies, and more. We mostly skipped the beverages, although I enjoyed my apple cider, and Sarah was quite fond of the honey wine.






What’s interesting for me to consider about this is that, if I were still overweight, I would never even think about going to this sort of event. When I was heavy, I hated eating in front of people. And for something like this, where so many of the foods were rich or caloric, I would have been feeling guilty and wondering about what others thought of me, sure they would be disgusted by someone as large as me eating so much. Or eating at all, for that matter.

The crowds would also have been difficult for me. One of the things that still sometimes surprises me is how small of an opening I can fit through. When I was heavier, though, I obviously took up a great deal more space, and the idea of trying to squeeze through those crowds would have been intimidating and generally unappealing.

It made me very glad that I felt able to attend this particular event, because the food was delicious. I even managed not to gain any weight from it by virtue of exercising in the morning, skipping supper (something I only do in extreme circumstances), and walking a little over 3 miles to and from my car. But more than just enjoying the taste of the food, I am grateful that I no longer have to feel guilty for that enjoyment. I still need to be careful, certainly, but that change in my relationship to food and how I think others perceive me is a tremendous gift.

Food in the office - additional

Yesterday, I went with Sarah, a friend and former co-worker, to the Harvest on the Harbor festival (more on that later), and we were talking about my comments about food in the office. She pointed out that I had forgotten to mention the monthly birthday celebrations that we've had the past few years, so I thought I'd add a note about those.

Instead of having birthday cake once every one or two weeks (or sometimes more), our office administrator started organizing monthly birthday celebrations. But don't let the frequency fool you into thinking this resulted in less cake - far from it! These monthly events generally include: one large regular cake; 2-3 types of cheesecake (including low-carb versions); usually a fruit tart; 1-2 other types of cake; and cut fruit for those of us who aren't cake-inclined. What's even more frightening is that all of this only lasts about 2 days, maybe 3 if certain people aren't in the office. From a calorie perspective, I think we might actually consume more this way.

And here are a few older journal entries about food in the office:
July 11, 2001
Today at work was interesting because there was a lot of food. Bob brought in leftover cupcakes from his daughter's birthday party on Sunday, and they were very cute, with a nautical theme; the frosting was blue with a straw sticking up like a fishing ole and a Swedish fish attached to the pole with a piece of dental floss. Victoria brought in beef jerky, and Matt H. brought in leftover Easter Skittles. Then Thea bought pretzels and Kate bought black licorice – it was crazy.

October 18, 2001
On Monday Thea was back bearing lots of food. She’d had a birthday party for her grandmother (88) on Sunday, and she had a ton of leftovers: 4 kinds of bread (pumpkin, banana, coffee-cake like bread, and one other), cookies, and two halves of cake, one chocolate fudge and one Oreo mousse. She was, as you might imagine, very popular.

December 17, 2001
Today was interesting. Tons of folks were out – Scott, Matt B., and Jean were sick, and Matt H. was on vacation, while Kate, Thea, and Victoria were still in training. But those of us there were fortified by all the food Kristin brought – chocolate fudge, butter cookies, pecan squares, and mini loaves of chocolate chip pumpkin bread (she was bored on Saturday, so she baked).

To Dessert or Not to Dessert?

At dinner with my manager, both my co-worker and I opted out of dessert. Looking off to the side somewhat towards my co-worker, our manager asked, “What, are you watching your weight or something? Are you on a diet?”

I couldn’t tell if the question was directed at both of us, or specifically at my co-worker, although he was the one who answered it, jokingly saying his wife was watching his weight. I was glad for the deflection, because it wasn’t something I felt like discussing with my boss. Leaving aside the appropriateness of the question, what particularly struck me was my manager’s tone. He wasn’t actually curious, or interested – he was simply incredulous. He couldn’t believe that we were being given carte blanche to eat as much food as we wanted and skipped out on a course.

Such astonishment isn’t unique to him; our society in general encourages people to eat whatever is in front of them, whether or not they need it. The idea of stopping eating when you’re comfortably full instead of stuffed is one that took me a long time to grasp because it’s not how food is presented to us. It reminds me of Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life, with the man who protested that he couldn’t eat another bite, but the waiters kept plying him. “Just a wafer thin mint?” When he finally gave in and ate it, he exploded, literally.

While I wasn’t worried about any reaction quite so extreme as that, I have learned enough about myself to know that if I overeat, I often pay for it later on, no matter how good it may taste at the time. And I don’t just mean weight. I don’t sleep well, I don’t feel very good, and the effects often last for a couple of days. Which isn’t to say that I always get it right, or that I always avoid desserts, because that’s not the case. Sometimes I do just eat what appeals to me, but not often.

As for the dessert, had I found a one that had a non-dairy base that really appealed to me, I probably would have gotten one. But I also didn’t need to have it. I’m just grateful that I can make that distinction. I can enjoy my food but also know (most of the time) when enough is enough. It’s been one of the most valuable lessons on my journey.

Food in the office

I've been thinking a lot about the food available in my office lately, simply because there's so much of it. It's actually a bit ridiculous. To start, on Tuesdays we always have breakfast delivered - although since it's bagels and oversized, sugary muffins, it's not the sort of breakfast I eat. We also now have a new pattern of having an executive from our California office always visiting. In an attempt to raise morale, it seems like they're going to be providing lunch most Thursdays, but again, the pizza isn't something I generally eat, particularly with the dairy allergy. This week is particularly over the top, since it's my manager who's visiting. Today he took a couple of us out to lunch, and tomorrow night he's taking some of us out to dinner. And Fridays, we often get donuts.

In addition to that, when our office administrator is on top of things, there's always a full candy dish at the front desk, and often various snacks, such as pretzels, trail mix, Twizzlers, microwave popcorn, cereal bars, chips, soda, and random other things. Sometimes she also makes chocolate chip cookies in the toaster oven, and occasionally we get fresh fruit, such as bananas, oranges, and apples. But the fruit, the only provided food I generally eat, is much rarer than the rest of it.

While I realize that many people would be excited to have their workplace provide so much food, it makes my life extremely difficult. If there are things I can avoid, such as the Tuesday breakfast and lunches on Thursday, I do, eating my own food instead. What's especially challenging this week is that I ate too much this weekend, and having all this food around, and meals at restaurants that I'm expected to attend, makes it very difficult to get back on track.

This sort of quandary is not new. Just yesterday, I came across a journal entry from August 14, 2002, in which I wrote: "Everyone else went to [the local restaurant] David's, but I stuck with my own lunch. I also opted out of dinner, which would have been seafood. I realize that I may be rather odd at this point for avoiding going to eat assiduously, whereas most people would welcome being treated to meal at a high-end restaurant. Maybe someday I won't have to worry so much about it."

Given this past week, I have to wonder if that day of not worrying will ever come. I suspect it won't, which doesn't truly surprise me; I knew that this commitment to maintaining my weight would be lifelong. And I'm okay with that, because while I still worry some about what I'm eating, I don't have to worry as much. I know, now, that if I'm careful, I'll get back to where I want to be and back to enjoying all the wonderful food around me.

Introduction

By the time I was twenty-four, I weighed 260 pounds; even now, I cringe to actually write the number. Then, over a two and a half year period, I lost 130 pounds and have kept it off for six and a half years. When people ask me how I did it, my flip and short response is, “Diet and exercise.”

But the truth is much more complicated and deeper than that. It also involves lots of questions that people rarely ask. How and why did I gain weight to begin with? How did it feel to be an overweight adolescent and young adult? What prompted me to lose weight when I finally did? Did I have a support group? What was the experience of losing weight like, and what is it like now to maintain it? How do I handle being in situations with lots of food and social expectations of eating? Have there been any negative results of losing weight? Is being thin what I expected? What other things have changed in my life as a result of weight loss?

Those other questions are equally, if not more, significant, particularly as they are addressed so infrequently. That is why, in an effort to answer those and more, I have begun writing about my journey and experiences with weight and food, referring to old journal entries for chronology and to remind myself of what it was actually like at the time.

This blog will be an account of this process of re-discovery, as well as some of my current thoughts about food and weight and exercise. It is a reminder, as well, that while I might have won the losing battle, it is one that many others struggle with. I would like to think that sharing my story might offer them useful strategies and, more importantly, hope and understanding.